Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Is This Me Talking?

I never thought I would hear myself say it. I miss Buffalo. All my life, I eagerly anticipated the moment that I would break free from the city of dilapidated storefronts and an abandoned steel mill. I couldn’t wait to relocate to a progressive city where employment was plentiful, a city that time didn’t seem to forget. But as I sit in the shade of a palm tree in beautiful Orlando, I feel an aching emptiness inside me. I can’t fully explain the tug that I feel at my heart when I see come across a picture of the magnificent Richardson Complex, or when I reminisce about Saturday nights spent at Spot Coffee. While Buffalo certainly has its downs, there is no other city quite like it. Yes, it has been in a recession for the past 30 years. If you drive down many streets on the east side, you will see houses that have been abandoned by slumlords and forgotten by the city, surrounded by what could pass for small jungles. You will likely see a sofa sitting on more than one porch, and a clunker in the driveway. The bitter cold is enough to send one into a deep depression. At the same time, the sense of community in Buffalo is something that you would never understand without having lived there. I remember the days of heavy snowfalls that exceeded a foot in depth, when the streets were so treacherous that a driving ban was put in place. Neighbors would step outside of their doors bundled in layers and armed with shovels, ready to clear a path for whoever needed such. When they were finished piling snow into small mountains on each front lawn, a kind soul was bound to offer hot chocolate to the hard workers. I think growing up in Buffalo had me duped into believing that this was simply the way of human beings. Everyone bound together to make the city, the world, a better place.
When I set foot on Florida soil, I was astounded by her beauty. The lush green leaves of the palms against a crisp blue sky in the middle of January were better than I ever could have imagined. I took my heavy winter coat off to feel the warm air against my skin. I was home. I said the words out loud as if to convince myself that I was not dreaming. I was home. I was so excited to be in Florida, I could barely contain myself. I couldn’t help but smile at everyone I passed. Slowly, I began to notice that those smiles were not returned. People almost seemed to view my friendliness as an intrusion. How could this be? This was one of the most breathtaking cities in the country, yet it was not reflected in the personalities of its inhabitants. In my three years of residence in Orlando, I have experienced a definite lack of community. That is the only way I can describe it, the best way to explain the menacing stares you will often receive when you happen to look different than the people around you, the hours that you can stand beside a car on the highway with smoke pouring from under the hood and not have a single person stop to offer a helping hand. “Welcome to Orlando, the City Beautiful”, a sign beckons upon entering city limits. What the sign doesn’t tell you is that a deep rooted hatred of anything outside of the ordinary resides here. It doesn’t warn you about going down the wrong country road after sunset. It doesn’t speak of the kind of racial prejudice that we thought died in the 50’s. Don’t get me wrong, Orlando is not a complete disaster. Its Farmer’s Markets will put those in many other cities to shame. The fact that you can barbecue in February without having to shovel a path to the grill is pretty cool, too. And nothing beats being able to witness the launch of a space shuttle up close and personal. With all that being said though, it is still not my Buffalo. There are no red and orange maple leaves lining the trees in the fall, no sledding in the winter time, and no Wegmans. I have yet to find a place that sells cannolis as decadent as the ones at Dolce on Elmwood Avenue. Most importantly, there are no returned smiles.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Change

It’s amazing how quickly your body can go downhill when you aren’t paying attention. Skip the gym for a few days in a row, and suddenly, it doesn’t seem as important as it truly is. You think to yourself, “I don’t have to go. If I watch what I eat, I will be fine.” But when you work and go to school full time in addition to taking care of four children and being a decent wife, are you really going to eat right? To be honest, I don’t feel like being bothered. More nights than I care to admit, dinner consists of a stop at the drive-thru of McDonald’s on the way home from picking the kids up at daycare. Because you can’t see the havoc it causes on the inside of your body, you don’t think about it too much. So you get home and unwrap your burger while sitting in front of the computer, plugging away at an assignment due before midnight. You take a second to look down at the crumbs remaining in the wrapper, and don’t even remember chewing. 
 
This is the story of my life; too many meals eaten in between events that I can’t even recall. And it doesn’t dawn on me until 50 pounds later that maybe things got a bit out of hand. My jeans have been pushed to the back of the closet and their space has been filled by anything with an elastic waist. I try to pretend not to notice how out of breath I am now after simply walking from the car to the front door. Yes, things are bad. And I know I need to make a change, so I’ll start first thing in the morning. For tonight, I’ll go ahead and finish up that tres leches cake to keep it from going to waste. Oh, and the last of those Pringles. This is the mentality that has me classified as a morbidly obese woman. I am always starting tomorrow, and subconsciously acknowledge that I am not capable of such a change and may as well enjoy life to the fullest. Is that what I am doing? Enjoying life to the fullest? Not being able to take my children to the playground because my knees ache too badly to be on them for long periods of time, having to spend insane amounts of money on clinical strength deodorant because the regular stuff no longer holds me over, and having my children get into fights at daycare defending their “fat mommy’s honor” doesn’t quite fit my idea of living life to the fullest. 
 
It’s one thing not to take pride in myself, but my children deserve the best of what I have to offer. For that reason, change starts today, not tomorrow. Today, I will put on my gym shoes and spend 30 quality minutes on the elliptical. Today, I will think of each item I put into my mouth as fuel for my organs, not my taste buds. It is easy to get overwhelmed by the fact that I need to lose about 120 pounds to get myself back into a healthy range. It’s enough to make me want to forget all about getting healthy and crack open a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. So I am not thinking about losing 120 pounds. I am thinking about getting to a point where I can ride a bicycle with my children, walk up a flight of stairs without my lungs collapsing, and becoming the health nut that I know is buried deep down inside of me somewhere. Will it be difficult? I am sure it will be. But a friend once said to me: “You have to dig deep. Find your mojo, and fight with everything you’ve got!” So that’s my plan. I am overcoming myself to become my better self. Today, it is no longer about reaching my destination- it’s about enjoying my journey.